The Bureaucrats are in Charge
by Archaeologist
Summary: Anakin, dark side. Because of love, war, or hate? Don't think so. Here is the real reason... This is really cracky so be warned.


In the beginning of the middle of the end...

_ Since the fall of the Trade Federation, war has broken out_

_ in several Republic systems. In order to stem the rising tide of_

_ Galactic war, the Jedi have been sent to mediate the disputes._

_ At Coruscant, the Senate has been unable to contain the_

_ problems. Committee after committee are formed to try and dispel_

_ the increased panic, but instead, the inability to resolve the_

_ disputes only led to more and more bureaucracy. Rules formulated,_

_ studies undertaken, paperwork increased, and the Republic is_

_ buried under tons of regulations._

_ As the paperwork multiplies, so do the conflicts as citizens_

_ rebel against the rising tide of bureaucratic tyranny…_

**Chapter 1**

Against a background of stars, a lone starfighter flies through the heavens. Twisting and turning, up and down, the craft drifts back and forth as if pulled by a string.

"Anakin, stop playing with that thing." said Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Master extraordinare.

As the Apprentice jerked back in surprise, the string broke and Anakin watched as his prize starfighter model crashed into a million pieces on the floor. He had been lost in thought, winging his way through the galaxy and now it was gone. He'd never get the model back together again and it was new, too, his best one yet. He glared at Obi-Wan, then sighed, crouched down and began to pick up the pieces.

His Master just turned back towards his work, running his hand through his unruly hair. He shook his head, shrugged and then rested his forehead in his hands. It had not been a good day. And it would only get worse.

Obi-Wan sighed again, then looked up and glanced about the room. It was a small cubicle, narrow, and tightly-filled with file cabinets, most half-closed, bursting with papers. The tops of the cabinets, too, were piled high with documents, files askew, leaning perilously towards the floor and the back of Anakin's head. In fact, every flat spot in the tiny space was filled with stuff - paper in some form or another... Obi-Wan looked again at his Apprentice and then at the files. It was so tempting to use a little Force push, just so, and the waterfall of paper would be an sight to behold.

Nineteen year old Anakin didn't even look up. "Don't do it, Master."

Obi-Wan mumbled softly "Blast" and then said loudly "Have you finished your paperwork yet?"

Anakin got up, threw the last bits of plastic into the overflowing trash container and muttered. "No, have you?"

The Master closed his eyes. "Not even close." He shook his head and looked at his Apprentice. "It seems more and more like we do less and less as Jedi and more as paperpushers. I hate this stuff."

"Me, too. But, Master, I've never heard you talk like this before. You know what Master Yoda says."

Kenobi chuckled and, in a bad imitation of a Yoda voice, "Yes, receipts, receipts, we must have receipts."

Anakin laughed out loud. "I'll get the rest of the forms. Then will we be done?" But, as Obi-Wan silently nodded, Anakin announced, "We're in for it now. Here comes Master Yoda."

The diminutive Jedi Master, Yoda the wise, hobbled into the already crowded room. He looked at the two Jedi, frowning and shook his weary head. His mouth crabbed into a disagreeable stance, scowling, glaring at them as though he wanted to thrash the two for not doing all that they could for the Order. He was not happy. In his claws were a thick sheath of paper, color-coded, and, as he reached the overflowing desk, Yoda flung the documents at Obi-Wan.

Still scowling, Yoda admonished them both, "Talked to Master Windu, I have. Receipts you have not. Not good, this is. No money will the Temple get without receipts."

Anakin seemed puzzled. "Do you mean the Jedi won't get paid?"

Yoda frowned even more. "Told you did I. Listen you should."

Kenobi thought that he should explain the discrepancy before the conversation degraded further. "I lost the receipts fighting that vile Hutt. He swallowed them whole just to annoy me…." He muttered, "Pathetic lifeform."

Yoda speared Obi-Wan with a look. "None of that. More careful should you be." He admonished. "Form 1138A, you should fill out to get copies of receipts. Vital this is. Yes." and his little wizened head nodded several times.

Obi-Wan just sighed.

Anakin had been watching this exchange with some puzzlement. There was something missing and then it dawned on him. "Master Yoda, where's your gimer stick?"

Yoda glowered at the young Padawan and said in a gruff and vastly annoyed voice, "Took it away they did. Failed the random drug test, I did. Humph..."

Anakin cringed, turning towards Obi-Wan and whispered, "Explains his bad temper."

"Heard that, I did. Change the subject, you should not. Here you are." Yoda hobbled over to the young one and handed him some garishly colored, bright orange gloves and a yellow paper with lots of printing on it.

Anakin was confused. "Gloves?"

Kenobi just rolled his eyes and shook his head in disgust. "The safety committee has determined that we could get hurt while using our lightsabers. This is supposed to help."

Anakin made a rude noise. "And this?" waving the bright paper under Yoda's nose.

"Sign this, you should. Says you have the gloves, it does. Leaves a paper trail for the auditors, it will."

The Padawan snorted, got a stern look from the Jedi Counselor and a sterner look from Obi-Wan, then sighed and signed the form, grumbling under his breath.

"Enough of that, I say." Yoda picked through the papers he had earlier flung onto the desk. He began to hand over sheaths of stationery to the two Jedi. "Before you go on your next mission, more forms there are to fill out: 1230B exit visa, 1275 entry pass, 1737C credit voucher request, 737AA..."

Obi-Wan muttered morosely "I should have been a farmer."

"Heard that I did. 737AA prioritization analysis, 7337 EEEX funnel box randomization..."

**Chapter 2 **

The sky was leaden, heavy with the promise of rain. But the forest was alive with the whisperings of green leaves and small animals burrowing through the underbrush. It was saturated with the Force, heady and sweet, or so Obi-Wan Kenobi thought as he patiently waited for his young Apprentice. The mission seemed simple enough. Find out about the rumors of Sith rising in this place, and, if they were there, bring them back to the Temple for questioning.

The Jedi Master had sent Anakin on ahead to scout the area, giving him a task that would make the young one feel good about any small successes. That is what a mentor does, bolster the strengths and minimize the weaknesses. He did not expect any trouble, although mischief followed Anakin like a bad check. He chuckled. The boy could certainly find trouble and he shook his head, ruefully, remembering.

He spotted Anakin running through the trees and, as the Padawan rushed up to him, he said to Obi-wan, "They're up ahead. As far as I can tell, there are three of them."

"Sith?"

"Yes, Master but they're not like any Sith I've ever seen before. They're all alike... Clones."

Obi-Wan didn't like the sound of that. His voice rising, "Oh, no, not more paperwork."

Anakin shook his head, frowning in annoyance. "Master, can we concentrate on the Sith?"

But Kenobi was having none of it. He put his hands over his eyes and shuddered, moaning, "I'll have to fill out yards of paperwork. The Duplication forms alone will take a month."

"Master?"

Obi-Wan looked at Anakin with anguish and dismay. He seemed haunted by the visions of what would happen upon their return to the Temple . "No, no. And the Anger Control committee will want to see us. More questions about the Dark Side." He groaned again. "Oh, why did I become a Jedi?"

The Padawan was now growing alarmed. The Sith were coming their way and all his Master could talk about was paperwork. This was serious. His voice was stern and very loud as he said. "Master, pay attention!"

With that, Kenobi seemed to quiet. "Sorry, Padawan. How far ahead are they?"

"About 500 meters. And Master..." Obi-Wan looked at him with dread. "They're women."

Kenobi groaned again, shaking his head. "That means Fraternization forms."

"Master?"

Obi-wan sighed and covered his eyes with both hands in a futile attempt to make it all go away. "I need a vacation."

The Sith witches were hard on Anakin's heels. They had felt the Jedi approach and looked forward to playing with their foes. They knew that they would kill the pathetic Jedi, always moaning about something called paperwork. They didn't understand this but it had made the Jedi into mindless weaklings. This would be fun.

The Master and Apprentice watched the clones approach. Unlike Jedi, these witches were dressed all in black, in tight short leather skirts, skimpy laced-up bodices, thigh-high black boots and really cool capes that shimmered in the light. Anakin was jealous since both he and his Master had to wear boring beige outfits and

those ridiculous orange gloves. It was embarrassing. But they were ready to do battle.

The first witch, a bleached-blonde beauty, with a C1 etched on her forehead, stopped short, right in front of Obi-wan. She eyed him with pleasure since he was rather a dashing figure of a man. The second witch, hair spiked high with bright red tips and black roots, a C2 on her right cheek, raked Anakin with her eyes and smiled as though enjoying the view. Anakin was no slouch in the looks department, either. Finally, the third Sith, a raven-tressed siren, with a C3 mark on her upper left breast came up between the other two and gazed first at Obi-Wan and then at Anakin. Her smile was razor-sharp and predatory.

The blonde spoke first. "Oh good, two of them. This should be easy."

The redhead C2, igniting her lightsaber and twirling it in a suggestive manner, murmured "I like the young one. I'll play with him a while first."

The flaxen witch smile grew wider. "I want the older one. He will have more experience so he won't scream as much as I kill him." And as she spoke, her ruby lightsaber flashed towards Obi-Wan. He backed away slowly.

The spike-haired clone smirked "Do we have to kill them? I have other uses for them." as she moved towards Anakin.

The Padawan backed up slightly and retorted, "Such as filling out the paperwork for you?"

The C2 sorceress frowned in confusion, "What is he talking about?" and then lunged towards Anakin. His lightsaber crossed with hers and the fight was on.

The blonde stabbed towards Obi-wan as he backpedaled, pushing her saber down. She spat, "I haven't a clue. I'd rather play with them than fight for now." And she reversed her stance and thrust again. Obi-wan feigned, throwing her off balance.

C3 flung back her black tresses and laughed, enjoying the fight and occasionally waving her saber right and left as she tried to catch the Jedi off-guard. "Oh, I know. He must be talking about all that paperwork those stupid Jedi have to fill out every time they breathe."

The three Sith witches cackled in unison. The Jedi could be so foolish, so meek as to just roll over and let the bureaucrats tell them what to do. The Sith would not be so weak. They would just kill any idiot moronic enough to cross them.

Anakin could not believe what he was hearing and it added fuel to his rage. "Stupid... Jedi... I'll show you how stupid the Jedi are." and with renewed strength, he rushed the red-spiked and dark-haired beauties, stabbing right and left, lunging and parrying as if his life depended on it. As well it did.

Obi-wan was having enough trouble with the blonde, as she cackled and taunted him, stabbing and fighting all the while. Thankfully, the Chosen One was a really good student and held his own with the two Sith.

But the witches were not finished with their jibes and annoying remarks.

The flaxen C1 laughed at Anakin's retort. "We don't have to fill out any paperwork. We just have to kill Jedi, and hang their lightsabers on our walls."

The red-haired witch chimed in. "We've killed lots of them. And soon, there will be two less to worry about the forms and the committees and the anger management." She laughed again. "Pathetic lifeforms."

Obi-Wan spat out, "Hey, that's my line."

And in that instant, Anakin saw his chance. With a momentary lapse, the red-head parried left instead of right and Anakin's blade sliced through her bare-midriff, killing her instantly. With a burst of blue Force energy, she exploded into tiny pieces, flesh and bone and lots of body fluids scattering about the forest.

Anakin grimaced, "Yuck."

The raven-haired Sith stepped back, looking at Anakin. "Hey, no fair. I wasn't ready."

Obi-Wan chimed in. "What know you of ready?"

The sorceress C3 was having none of it. She renewed her attack on Anakin, knowing that the Master would be devastated when his little apprentice was dead and, therefore, easier to kill.

"Who do you think you are, Yoda? Pointy eared little muppet. Come here so I can kill you. No more forms, no more dreary days indoors buried in paper and red ink. Come here, little Jedi." and she laughed scornfully.

Anakin saw through her taunts, double-feigned left, right and then right again, shouting "Master, look out" and, when she glanced towards Kenobi, he skewered the dark witch. He ducked as another burst of blue energy, and various body parts explode into his face and body.

"Yuck, again, Master. The next one is yours."

Obi-Wan nodded his understanding. "Thanks, I think." He turned towards the remaining Sith. The blonde looked quite worried and appeared to be ready to run away. Kenobi leaned toward her and smoothly said. "Turn away from the dark side. We can help you regain the light."

She backed up further and spat "You think you've won but I'll never turn to the light side. Spend endless days in meditation and committee meetings? Never." With that she renewed her furious attack on the two Jedi.

Obi-Wan intoned, "Come with us. It is the only way to save yourself."

She shook her head, "Never" and in that instant, the Jedi Master cleaved her in half. The fluids and Force explosion nearly knocked over the two men.

Kenobi grimaced, sighing. "What a waste."

The young Padawan was puzzled, though. "Master, what were they talking about?"

Obi-Wan looked down and whispered, "The Sith don't have to fill out paperwork."

Anakin's retort was loud. "What!"

**Chapter 3 **

The office had not changed. Still narrow and dark, still full of over-stuffed file cabinets and piled-high stacks of documents in multicolored arrays, it now contained the two Jedi, just back from their latest mission.

The Jedi Master spoke to a pacing Padawan. "Anakin, as part of your Jedi training, I am going to have you fill out the final report on our last mission."

He scowled back at Obi-Wan. "Don't make me do this, Master. You know how much I hate paperwork."

"Hatred is of the dark side."

The apprentice growled low, "You know that isn't what I meant. You hate paperwork as much as I do."

"Anakin, remember when I had to go through Anger control training after my little outburst? Do you want to do the same thing?"

"No."

Kenobi ignored the sulky reply. "Besides, it will be good practice for when you become a Jedi Knight."

But Anakin looked at him with disgust, "Yes, Master." muttering to himself "You just don't want to do it yourself."

"I heard that."

The Jedi Master shoved the multicolored forms at his apprentice. "Here are the four forms for the Sith bodies we had to dispose of."

Anakin glowered at his Master, grabbing the forms and then sat down, watching as Obi-wan began to pace back and forth.

"Master, I don't understand. Four forms? But, we only killed three Sith clones. I could understand one form for each body, even though there was nothing left. Yuck. But, why four?"

Kenobi sighed heavily, looking through the piles of paper. "There is an additional cloning form, XXXE that will go with the other three body disposal forms." He explained and then began handing Anakin more forms as he spoke. "Oh, here are the other forms. Then there are the 635DDD forms for the cleanup, A37W for the Audit committee, 823 ZZ for the Cooperation and Team building committees - oh, good, they've combined them - and finally here are the forms for the receipts. You did manage to keep the receipts this time?"

Anakin sighed and rolled his eyes. "Well, yes, yes, Master Yoda won't be after us this time. I also have the signed travel vouchers."

Obi-Wan smiled happily. "We made out like smugglers on the travel allowance, 33 credits per 1000 kilometers to the Sith homeworld and back. Wow, with these kinds of credits, I'll be able to get a new cloak. The old one is pretty cut up by now. Darn lightsaber..."

"Is that all the forms?"

Looking through the ever-leaning piles, the Jedi Master stated "No, there are some others somewhere here."

Anakin grinned as he contemplated the credits. "Well, at least with a little money coming in, I'll finally have enough credits to call Padme. It's embarrassing to always be calling her collect."

The Master grimaced. "Hummm, there's a slight problem there." As Anakin scowled, he continued. "Oh, not what you think. The Senate has passed Harmonization legislation that requires classification of all sentient life forms."

Growling, Anakin asked, "And..."

"She's been classified as a Gungan."

"You've got to be kidding."

Obi-Wan shook his head. "It gets worse. It will take six months or more to get it straightened out. But, you won't be able to talk to her until then. The new Fraternization law makes it illegal for aliens to associate with others not of their kind."

His face set in an annoyed grimace, Anakin grabbed the forms. Whispering and angry, teeth gritted, "Just give me the stupid forms."

Anakin began to fill out the copies but then looked up, frowning. "Master, I still don't understand one thing. How come the Sith don't have to..."

"Fill out paperwork? I don't know, Anakin. It may be the Force at work or maybe there is a sinister agent of evil in the bureaucracy."

"That would be impossible. The Jedi would have sensed it by now."

Obi-Wan hunched over in an imitation of Yoda. "Hard to see, the dark side is."

"Yes, Master."

At that moment, Master Siri entered the small office. Her long blonde hair swinging as she walked confidently over to Obi-Wan. Smiling, she waved a slight hello.

"Morning Obi-Wan, Padawan Skywalker."

Anakin stood and bowed to her and then sat down, pulling over yet another pile to complete.

Kenobi smiled at her "Siri, my friend, did you bring it?"

"Yes, it's in the next room."

Obi-Wan looked at his apprentice, speaking with some hesitation. "Anakin, I have more news." Anakin scowled at the interruption and any news these days was usually not good. He was getting fed up.

Obi-Wan continued. "We have new uniforms. The Senate decided that the Jedi are too intense in dispensing justice. They wanted to make sure that people know who we are." Muttering to himself, Obi-Wan said, "As if they don't notice the glowing lightsabers."

He waved his hands "Anyway, the Safety committee designed the outfits. Why don't you go and try it on? It's in the next room."

Anakin sighed heavily, looking highly annoyed, and stomped out of the room.

"Obi-wan, the committees have gone too far this time." Her voice was anxious.

"I know."

The Padawan's voice, furious and loud, came through the thin walls. "You've got to be kidding."

Obi-Wan pleaded with Anakin. "Just try it on." There was loud grumbling from the young apprentice.

"Obi-Wan, the safety committee and the finance committee argued endlessly about these uniforms. Obi-wan, they look ridiculous. Cheap and gaudy. It's unbelievable."

She shook her head. "And the teambuilding committee thought it was a "good" idea that we are all going to look alike." Her derisive laughter cut through the silence. "To make some money on the deal, the franchises want to put logos all over the uniform. It just gets worse and worse. Obi-Wan, the Jedi are leaving in droves. They can't stand it anymore. And neither can I."

"I know. I'm at my wit's end."

Anakin was still grumbling from the changing room. "I can't see a thing in this helmet."

Kenobi yelled back. "I know, I know. Let's see how it looks."

"Masters, promise you won't laugh."

"We promise..." said Obi-Wan and Siri in unison.

But it was too much. The new uniforms were outrageous, tacky and absurd. Anakin strode in, dressed in a fluorescent yellowy-orange one-piece flight suit, with black safety stripes twirling up both forearms, the red stripes down the front of the suit from throat to crotch covered with logos, and on the back, a big circle of black and red strobing inward as though towards a bullseye at the center of the back where the Republic emblem rested. It certainly was eye-catching, and no one would mistake anyone else for a Jedi in that outfit. Anakin was dragging the prissy-looking black and red helmet at his side.

Masters Siri and Obi-wan looked at each other and burst out laughing. Anakin was not amused, stomping out of the room, muttering darkly.

When the laughter finally died, Kenobi shook his head sadly and said, "The Jedi are doomed."

Anakin strode into the dressing room, boxes filled with paperwork lining the walls and slammed the door shut. He had had enough. Enough with no possessions. Enough with no attachments, what the heck did that mean anyway... Enough about paperwork, enough foul remarks, enough. He threw the helmet, shattering it, pieces flying everywhere, shards embedded in the wall.

"Stupid helmet, stupid stinking helmet, damn them all to the dark side." And with each word, the ugly uniform comes apart, torn and in pieces, flying to the far wall, impaled on the plastic shards.

"Sithy paperwork. I didn't become a Jedi to fill out no ^#$%^! paperwork. Where's that &$#%^) jacket?" All the while, muttering to himself, louder and louder, the Padawan had been dressing...in black.

"I'll show them all. Sith don't need no stinkin' paperwork."

Anakin begins to laugh, harder and more strident as the boxes of paper emptied into the air, shredded forms everywhere and a tornado of dark energy rips through the room.

A Sith lord is born.

The end.


End file.
